SNL Rejects
This section of the site is dedicated to jokes I have written for Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update” that have not gone to air.
1.30.10
This week, Nadya Suleman, the Octomom, celebrated the one year birthday of her octuplets by stacking them on top of each other, covering them in a long trench coat, top hat and glasses and only having to pay for two meals at the All You Can Eat Chinese Buffett.
A new law has been proposed in China that would jail people for up to 15 days for eating dog or cat meat. This law was championed by the firm of Garfield, Odie, Wietzburg and Partners.
The TV ratings service Nielsen has announced plans to start counting internet viewers when calculating how many people watch a TV program. Early reports show the number one Network in the world; You Porn.
PETA this week urged the organizers of Pennsylvania’s Groundhog Day festival to replace Punxsutawney Phil with a robotic stand-in. That robot? R2D2.
According to new research, senior citizens often have rewarding sex lives and that seniors with strong sex lives are often more healthy. This was published the latest issue of “Wicked Gross, Monthly.”
Martha Stewart this week announced that starting September she will take her talk show out of syndication and air it exclusively on the Hallmark Channel. She also announced that the new host of The Martha Stewart Show will be Jay Leno.
A dog in Wisconsin has lost 40 pounds one year after the “morbidly obese” dog was found frozen to a sidewalk. Sparking a whole new angle on next season’s “Biggest Loser.”
A man in Wisconsin, who is serving a life sentence for murder, lost his legal battle this week to play Dungeons and Dragons in prison. Next stop: Magic, The Gathering.
A man in New Jersey who hacked into Apple’s iPhone three years ago, is claiming that he has broken into Sony’s PlayStation 3, which they said was “unhackable.” His next challenge? Somehow “hacking” into a woman’s bra.
1.9.10
At a ceremony at the White House Monday, the LA Lakers presented President Obama with a team jersey. After which, Obama missed both free throws and blamed it on bipartisanship.
The sci-fi epic Avatar has earned a total of 1 billion dollars worldwide since its release, making it the fourth biggest selling movie of all time. Right behind the box office Juggernaut that was “Ernest Saves Christmas.”
The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Annex in New York City closed Sunday just a year after opening. It will now re-open in a small suburban town where it thinks it’ll try to get it’s Masters and maybe do some teaching.
The US was hit with record cold temperatures this weekend. So cold that Tiger Woods was forced to keep it in his pants for nearly six hours.
An increasing number of animal shelters across the country are promoting adult cat adoptions with no-fee programs to move cats out of the shelters and lessen the need for euthanasia. Brighten your home with an old, angry cat that hates your children and will pee on your bed every hour, on the hour.
The Burj Dubai, which at 2684 feet is the world’s tallest building, opened to the public on Monday in Dubai. It was promptly closed and sold so that Dubai could pay for The Burj Dubai.
12.12.09
A number of companies are now seeking out people with autism for certain jobs such as data entry or assembly work because the disorder hones their attention to detail and ability to handle repetitive tasks. So far they’ve received 8,000 applications from almost 200 people.
According to records, Eminem is the top selling artist of the past decade with over 32 million albums sold, followed by the Beatles with 30 million. Showing that the one thing Eminem fans have in common with Beatles fans is their inability to illegally download albums for free.
A new report shows that as early as the 1980s, the cell phone industry was marketing itself to drivers despite evidence that driving while using a phone was dangerous. Not because it was a distraction, but because cell phones in the 1980’s weighed 160 pounds and blocked most of your passenger-side windows.
On Monday the Copenhagen Climate Conference opened, which is the biggest climate meeting in history featuring 15,000 participants from 192 nations. All arriving by way of ironic, fossil-fueled transportation.
A new report shows that men can also experience postpartum depression after a child’s birth. Caused by the harsh realization that they will never have sex again.
A new study shows that more New York City public high school kids are testing positive for sexually transmitted diseases now than two years ago when the city started a 1 million dollar education and testing program to combat STDs. The new program, aimed to stop sexual promiscuity, is called “Adolescent Coitis and the New Education.” For short: ACNE.
A new website called Vevo was launched Tuesday that will stream music videos. You know, those things your parents used to watch.
World leaders on Monday began the UN climate summit with a demand for well-off countries such as the US to give 10 billion dollars a year to help poorer countries cope with consequences of global warming. Why? You’re just gonna spend it on booze and Ebola vaccines.
Richard Branson on Monday unveiled a new spacecraft that could soon carry tourists into space for 200,000 dollars each. I too have built a spacecraft. Which is actually a trunk that I lock you in after you give me 200,000 dollars.
It was reported that because of the recession, Post Offices around the country are not putting up wanted posters and instead using the space to sell merchandise. Which, in tern, the criminals will steal.
11.14.09
A man who owns a failing car dealership in New Mexico turned to gambling to try to save his business, but ended up with 250,000 dollars in losses instead. A seemingly flawless plan. And by “flawless,” I mean “terrible.”
The Governor of Mississippi recently revealed that his 30 year-old son scored two holes-in-one during a single round of golf. An announcement that lost most people at the part about him revealing that his son scored two holes.
New York Governor David Paterson this week launched a new series of TV ads in his bid to be re-elected. To which New Yorker responded with a resounding “Noooooope.”
The postal service in England has rejected a stamp honoring “Benny Hill” because his girl-chasing ways are now considered inappropriate. Unless of course Benny Hill drove a Maybach with 22 inch rims and poured Patron on bare, shaking asses.
It was reported this week that the unemployment rate for teenagers has soared to 27.6 percent. Reason being; all the good Pizza Hut jobs have been taken by Auto Industry CEOs.
It was reported this week that some child pornographers have been computer viruses to store images on other people’s computers. Said the guy whose computer is riddled with tons of child pornography.
11.7.09
A company in Japan has begun unveiling new robotic devices designed to help the elderly in their daily lives. Because if there’s anything old people love more, it’s giant scary robots.
Kellogg said this week that they will remove claims from boxes of Cocoa Krispies that says the cereal “improves a child’s immunity” after being harshly criticized for the statement. The head of Kellogg explained that the box was supposed to read “gives kids diabetes fast.”
In an effort to reintroduce Mickey Mouse to a new generation, Disney plans to launch a video game next year called “Epic Mickey,” in which a darker side of the character will be shown. Critics of the film are worried though, after seeing a sneek peak of Mickey’s three-way with Minnie and Goofy and a scene in which he shanks Donald Duck for not “being real with him.”
Next week Sesame Street celebrates its 40th anniversary. Nothing sadder than a couple of old queens (photo of Bert and Ernie).
A new study claims that dogs have a greater eco-footprint than SUVs. Thanks for ruining the planet, sled dog racers!
A&E announced this week that it will produce a new reality show starring Kirstie Alley and follow her struggle with weight loss, love, motherhood and a career. The show is titled “One Outta Four Ain’t Bad!”
Tickets for Game Six of the World Series were found online selling for as much as 25,000 dollars. Putting the price just 10,000 dollars less than the two hotdog and a beer combo at Yankee Stadium.
Luke Ravenstahl, who at 29 is one of the youngest mayors in the country, won re-election on Tuesday as Mayor of Pittsburgh. Oh Pittsburgh, where the city motto is “Hey, Can’t Get Much Worse Than This.”
People in Virginia reported that they received robocalls on Sunday in advance of the Governor’s election from Sarah Palin urging them to “vote your values.” A later discovery showed that these weren’t actually robocalls. Just Sarah Palin sitting around, callin’ people on a Sunday.
Insiders are saying that Ashlee Simpson-Wentz was fired from the new CW show Melrose Place because she was “embarrassingly bad.” Uh, hello? (Photo of her appearance on SNL.)
10.10.09
Rush Limbaugh said Tuesday that he is trying to buy the St. Louis Rams. What’s that? No Rush, it’s Rams, not hams.
Since David Letterman’s announcement of the blackmail plot against him, ratings for the Late Show have shot up with Monday night’s show, the first since the revelation, getting the third highest ratings in the show’s history. Not to be outdone, Conan had sex with Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.
Ben Presley, Elvis’ 17 year-old grandson, has been offered a 5 million dollar deal by Universal Records to produce 5 albums. Little Billy Vanilli; not so lucky.
A lodge in Wisconsin that may have been one of Al Capone’s old hideouts is being auctioned this week with a starting price of 2.6 million dollars. It may have been? In that case, I have a 1997 Ford Taurus that may have been Al Capone’s get away car. Bids start at one-million-dollars.
It was replaced with the new life-line, Text-A-Tranny.
A cable-access TV show in Minnesota has launched a new program to teach homeless people marketable skills in TV production. In hopes that someday, they too can extort David Letterman.
Gold surged to a record high of over 1,040 dollars an ounce on Tuesday. “Awesome,” said Mr. T. outside of a pawn shop.
A new poll has determined that the word “Whatever” is the most annoying word or phrase in the English language, followed by “You Know,” “It is what it is” and “Anyway.” So, whatever. It is what it is, ya know?
In an interview with Elle magazine, Katie Holmes revealed that husband Tom Cruise often critiques her clothes and will say, “I think that dress might be wearing you.” Yup, totally hetero thing to say, Tom Cruise.
A growing number of adults around the country are joining kickball leagues, playing the same recess game they played as children. Other growing trend with adults: drinking out or a thermos and crapping your pants in gym class.
10.3.09
President Obama on Thursday will travel to Denmark to help support Chicago’s bid for the 2016 Summer Olympics, marking the highest-ever White House profile in lobbying for the international event. Coming in second to Bill Clinton’s 1997 Swedish Bikini Team Summit.
For the second week in a row, the number one movie at the box office was “Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs,” which made 24 million dollars. Proving once again that titles can sell movies. And that fat kids love movies.
To help celebrate China’s 60th anniversary, the state-controlled mobile service company “surprised” its customers by changing their cellphone ringback tones to a patriotic song. Asia’s “Heat of the Moment.”
Fred Durst confirmed on Twitter that he has split up with his wife of three months. The break-up came soon after she realized he was Fred Durst.
The CW has canceled The Beautiful Life after only two episodes, making it the first new show of the TV season to be canceled. Followed next week by some other CW show.
Executives at CNN, who are concerned that when Larry King’s contract is up in 18 months he will retire, have begun searching for a possible replacement and are considering Ryan Seacrest, Katie Couric, and Joy Behar. When asked what makes these people ideal replacments for king, CNN cites Ryan Seacrest’s younger appeal, Katie Couric’s professionalism and Joy Behar’s leathery skin and crypt-keeper-like voice.
This week people will able to follow Twitter messages from gorillas in Uganda and learn about their everyday lives. Oh, here’s one now: “Did you guys see House last night? Crazy good. 13 is hot. Well, back to picking bugs off my buddies crotch. #House #Crotch”
A man, who was upset over Bank of America’s customer service is suing the bank for 1.7 billion trillion dollars.
The lawsuit had to be adjusted after a judge ruled that “kajillion” was a little excessive.
A woman in Florida says that a plastic bag that contained her uncle’s remains was stolen during a burglary. Perhaps law enforcement should question this woman to why her uncle’s remains were in a plastic bag and then worry about the burglary.
Actor Verne Troyer, who played Mini-Me in the Austin Powers movies, is writing his autobiography. It’s a short story.
Comcast denied Wednesday that it had struck a deal to buy NBC Universal for $35 billion, but stopped short of saying that they weren’t interested. And seeing as we work for NBC Universal, I would like to just take a moment to say how truly great Comcast is. I mean, really, really great… and sexy.
A new study is reporting that children of working moms are less likely to eat healthily or exercise as much as children of stay-at-home moms. So kids, no only does your mom not love you enough o stay home with you, but she’s also made you fat.
The nation’s first double-hand transplant recipient proved that the transplant is taking by wiggling his fingers for the first time on the Today Show. Not to be outdone, Al Roker then played a moving rendition of Moonlight Sonata on the piano with his penis.
The 10,000 square foot candy store Candylicious is scheduled to open in Dubai and is said to be the largest of its kind and even features a 10-meter tall singing chocolate tree. Good to see all that oil money being put to good use.
A new study in England shows that kids who eat a lot of candy are more likely to be arrested for violent behavior as adults. This study was launched following the six-month violent killing spree of Charlie Bucket and Veruca Salt.
9.26.09
Because of the recession, a growing number of highly skilled immigrants are leaving the US to return to their native countries, such as China and India, where the economies are growing. To which the Republican Party replied, “You’re welcome.”
A woman from Alabama paid over 63,000 dollars to a charity for the chance to have dinner with Sarah Palin. The charity: Sarah Palin.
A new study shows that the rate of Alzheimer’s has risen 10 percent more than expected. Although, no one actually remembers the last study.
President Obama put his popularity in other countries to the test this week when he made his first address at the UN and tried to reverse years of ill will against the US during the Bush administration. A speech appropriately titled “Sorry That Last Guy Was Such a Douche.”
A new book is claiming that Michelle Obama gave the President the silent treatment at one point during the campaign because so many women “pushed their bodies up against his, slipped phone numbers into his pockets” and whispered lewd suggestions in his ear. Hillary Clinton was later quoted calling Michelle Obama a “rookie.”
On Wednesday Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi delivered a one-hour and 36 minute rambling address in his first appearance before the UN General Assembly. A record street magician David Blaine vows to break during sweeps week.
At a Syracuse luncheon on Wednesday, Governor Patterson hinted that he may not run for re-election next year saying “I don’t think anyone who is clearly hurting their party would [run] when it is going to make the party lose.” To which Sarah Palin “I’ll take that challenge.”
In November, a $300 million dollar “cash for clunkers” style program will be implemented aimed at replacing energy-guzzling kitchen and laundry appliances. To which the Brave Little Toaster replied “Oh. I see how it is.”
It was reported this week that Kevin Federline is joining the cast of the next installment of VH1’s “Celebrity Fit Club.” Also, “Tool Academy,” “I Love Money,” “Brooke Knows Best” and “My Antonio.”
It has been reported that Juno writer Diablo Cody has been hired to adapt the Sweet Valley High books as a movie. This comes on the heels of the announcement that Tim Burton will be directing The Boxcar Children series and Oliver Stone will be adapting Judy Blume’s “Fudge-a-Mania.”
A new poll shows that 75 percent of US adults think Americans are getting ruder. To be fair, though, the poll question was worded “Hey Fatso. Do you think American’s are getting ruder? Fat-ass. Stupid fatty fatso.”
It was reported that a new quick and easy way to make methamphetamine, using a 2 liter soda bottle, has led to an increase in home-grown meth in Iowa. Here’s an idea. Let’s not report quick and easy ways to make meth.
It was announced today that New York City police will soon create a “footwear recognition database” capable of not only tracing a suspects specific kind of footwear but also of analyzing the wearer’s walking pattern. Brought to you by the fine folks at Timberland.
9.17.09
Vince Shlomi, better known as the Sham-Wow guy, is launching a new swimwear line. The swimwear will be made of the Sham-Wow material, thus giving swimmers that heavy, soggy diaper feeling they’re looking for.
Norman Borlaug, the Nobel Prize-winning scientist known as the father of the “green revolution” in farming, died this week at the age of 95. His body was dumped in a tub of food scraps and earthworms where in six months he will be used to fertilize some hippie’s indoor pot garden.
Gertrude Baines, the world’s oldest person, died this week at the age of 115. He died doing what he loved – a hooker.
It was reported that a spectacular light show last Wednesday night that many stargazers enjoyed was created when the Space Shuttle Discovery emptied their urine tanks. Similarly, many New Yorkers enjoy the regular discovery of a homeless man emptying his urine tanks in the foyer of their apartment building.
Five actresses from the upcoming CW show “The Vampire Diaries” were arrested last week after they were caught dangling off a Georgia overpass and flashing their breasts at drivers. Early numbers from the Department of Transportation show that this event garnered higher viewership than any CW show.
In an interview with Oprah Winfrey, Whitney Houston revealed that the low point in her marriage to Bobby Brown was when he spit in her face after she threw him a party. She went on to say “but it’s my own fault for forgetting how much he despised Cookiepuss.”
New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg unveiled a plan Monday to ban smoking in the city’s parks. Another spoke on the wheel of “Completely impossible laws to enforce.”
The house next to President Obama’s Chicago home is now up for sale. Property values are significantly lower than when the home was originally purchased, though, due to ex-governor Rod Blagojevich’s tent, barrel fire and grocery kart full of his new book parked outside.
It was reported this week that the BBC is considering broadcasting the 2012 Olympics in 3D. Allowing viewers the opportunity to be so close to the races, that when a female runner crosses the finish line, her penis can be right in your living room.
Police in Philadelphia arrested a man after he left his 6 year-old stepson inside a car to go buy drugs, but then could not find the car. Coincidentally, this is also the plot of the straight to DVD film “Home Alone 4: Dude, Where’s My Wife’s Kid?”
