Your Car Sucks

So when you’re at the gas pump, there is no reason to lock all your doors and set the alarm as you go inside to pre-pay, Poindexter. Nobody cares about your car. Unless a thief is jonesing for some Carrie Underwood CD’s and your flame-pattern seat covers, I am pretty sure you’re safe. Is it because you pulled up behind me? Yes, I have more tattoos than the average librarian and am usually cursing, but that doesn’t mean I am out to harm you. It certainly doesn’t mean I plan on jacking your car.

And let’s say I did.

What next? I drive off in your two-door, ultra-compact Ford Festiva and leave my car just sitting there? I am only one person. I can’t steal your car and drive mine home at the same time. At the very most, it’d be a vehicle exchange because when I fill up, I leave my keys in the ignition and the doors unlocked. Not to mention, you’d be getting a car with a full tank of gas and I’d be peeling out of the Valero in fourteen hundred pounds of rubber, steel and paint with just fumes in the tank. How do I know it’s just fumes? Because you own an Aveo – money is suspiciously tight.

Listen, all I am saying is nobody cares about your car. Leave the doors unlocked with keys in it, hell, put some cash on the seat because in the worst case scenario, you tell your insurance company your car was stolen and get all $800 back.

The Chevy Aveo sucks.
This open letter was brought to you by Volkswagen.