The FCCC

(The third “C” is for Cunnilingus)
So The Smoking Gun is covering this pretty well, but I thought I’d toss in my three cents.

As per norm, The FCC is being inundated with complaints about this years Super Bowl. Most of which are because of it’s supposed “Gay” undertones which some people have gone so far to claim that the broadcast has made their children gay just by watching it. Now, I wouldn’t be breaking any comedic ground by saying Football in itself is gay. Tight pants, rolling around in the grass coupled with ass-slapping congratulatory displays? Yes, it’s true, but I am sure could all be heard in a late 80′s Richard Jeni HBO special. The ground I want to cover is where many of these people claim Prince was spreading his homosexual agenda via his phallic shadowy guitar playing.

First off, Prince is not gay. Prince has seen, kissed, spoken to, loved and all-around blessed more vagina in his life than most of the mid west. He is a sexual animal who cannot be caged and that thin sheet was all they could do in an attempt to withstand his 100% male expressionism. If you think Prince is gay, then I guarantee he is sleeping with your girlfriend right now.

Second off, he was playing a guitar and anyone who knows anything about the guitar knows that it’s meant to be phallic. Even in the 9th century, men who played guitar knew to hang it low and stroke it until all the chicks come backstage (picture to left). There’s a reason that most men want to play guitar in middle school – it’s an extension of our still blossoming manhood and we recognize that the bassoon is just too obvious.

And finally, at which point to you sit down with your grandchildren to watch the Super Bowl and not expect some crazy shit to go down? The stupid Janet Jackson thing aside, we as a country are essentially giving millions of dollars to a bunch of convicts and putting them in the middle of an amphitheater to battle each other until we say it’s over. That in itself is pretty nuts, so if you’re going to get all in a tizzy about Prince Rogers Nelson shredding his guitar like no other man has or will (and don’t try feeding me anything about Hendrix, because you know as well as I do that he could shred, but he didn’t get you as hot as Prince) then perhaps you should start having your grandchildren watch less dangerous programming on CBS like… CSI: Miami. That David Caruso can spit out one-liners like a pro all while standing over a dead hooker who was recently raped by wolves. Try coming up with zingers in that situation, Richard Jeni.