An Open Letter to My Kittens

Patrick and Pepper-Anne,

As we approach your 5-month birthday, there are a few things I would like to address with you. I am using this forum to do so because I recognize that many of my kitty-loving readers may be in similar situations with their felines. This allows them to just point their kitties to my URL where they can open up a dialog with each other about some of these same issues. Let’s begin:

1.) Just because it dangles/hangs, does not make it a toy. My ties, bed sheets, curtains, laptop chords, etc. I think we learned this lesson the hard way yesterday when you came within an inch of having a hot iron fall on you. I know you are too young to understand how irons work, but believe me when I say they are hot. And heavy. And when gravity gets involved – shit, forget about it.

2.) No matter how hard you dig, you cannot get under our bedroom door. All you’re really doing is destroying the carpet, so let me save you some time. Under that carpet is a foam pad (which we’re starting to discover, huh?) and under that pad is wood. You cannot dig through wood. I assure you of this. We will be awake in just 7 or 8 hours, so hang tight and we’ll chill then. Go read a book or something.

3.) Stop stop stop licking my toes when I get out of the shower. For real. This just creeps me out.

4.) Let’s try to sync up our schedules. I completely understand that you are nocturnal animals and I can relate, but we gotta meet in the middle. I don’t see you awake for more than 15 minutes a day but at around 2am, I hear someone run full on into a wall with glass crashing. Are you making meth out there? I’m not going back to jail because of your bullshit.

5.) Electric chords have electricity in them. I know we kinda covered this with rule #1, but I really need to make this clear. Say you do get through a dangley lamp chord, there’s like 100,000 volts in there or something (I’m not a scientist; I am basing all my knowledge of electricity on the fence from Jurassic Park). Perhaps this weekend we need to watch the Christmas Tree scene in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. You’ll see what I mean.

6.) Don’t mate. You are siblings. Next week you will be spayed and neutered. In the mean time, please don’t screw. We do not need any flipper kitties running around here. I know in kitty years, you are like 14 and when I think back to being 14, I would have done it with anyone, thing, post, etc. Luckily for me, the ADHD, acne, braces, glasses over-sized Airwalks and baggy Nirvana shirts kept all girls at 100 yards.

So in closing, we’ve got a long life together and the sooner we can straighten these few things out, the better off everyone is. You gotta admit that Lindsay and I are pretty kickass parents. The food bowls are always full. Litter always clean. We always accommodate your petting needs and at the end of the day, we happily squeeze in some laser pointer fun.

Good talk.

Love,
Josh

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