Please Stop Wrapping

Dear President of Fast Food,

This must stop. It has gotten out of control and it doesn’t make any sense what so ever. What the hell IS it? A burrito with fried chicken? American’s aren’t smart. We eat what you tell us and this needs to be removed from our lives before we die.

I am of course addressing your newest fad- The Snack Wrap.

It’s not a meal, but millions of American’s buy them everyday. The problem is that since they aren’t a meal, we are buying them two or three at a time. That is no longer a snack. And even if we did buy one, why do we even need this mid-day snack? Stop forcing new meals on us. It goes Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner. The end!

And while we’re on the subject, can you please notify Taco Bell that we don’t need “The Fourth Meal.” We’re already fat. Let us sleep, please.

Oh, and as long as you are talking to them, tell them we do not need bacon on our tacos. The Bacon Ranch Double Decker? With all due respect, Taco Bell — go fuck yourselves.

So Mr. President, I thank you for your time in this matter and recognize all the positive changes you have made for us in the past (i.e. the hesitant destruction of the Mc Rib sandwich and the merging of A&W with KFC in town’s across this great nation).

You exist to make us fatter and lazier and I respect your line of work. Just please take another moment to review the Snackwrap, Snacker, Snack-Attack or whatever other play on the word “Snack” participating restaurants have come up with. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Joshua Grosvent

P.S. With that said, we do demand the prompt return of the Shamrock shake. I do apologize for my threatening letters regarding this and I will not violate your restraining order in any way, but I am very passionate about it and refuse to accept this whorish Shrek imitation shake. It’s NOT the same and I won’t drink it.