Families Sell Homes, Buy iPods

In a report released on Wednesday, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke blamed declining real estate trends not on a struggling economy, but rather the clueless, self-serving parenting that has been sweeping the country.

“We recognize that recent economic downturns have a negative impact on the housing market,” said Bernanke “but more and more parents are being forced to sell their homes in order to afford their children.”

While the cost of raising a child has had a steady incline over the last century, more recently, many parents have developed something many child psychologists are calling the “Have It Your Way Method” (and many of those same psychologists are currently being sued by Burger King).

Parents across the country are so concerned with their child liking them that they buy them any and everything they demand with total disregard for their own well-being. Families all over the country are being forced to downsize their homes due to crippling credit card debt from things such as Hollister clothing, video game systems, Pizza Hut and cell phone ring tones.

Sherri Thomas of Syracuse, NY recently put her home on the market but is having trouble finding a buyer.

“For years, my husband and I worked 60 hour weeks so we could build a beautiful home,” said Sherri “but now that our daughter is 15 and our son is 17, we find it harder to afford the things they need. And if I don’t buy them what they need, then they get mad and don’t talk to me. I want my kids to like me.”

Sherri is not alone. Parents all over America are making up for their own high-school failures by flooding their children’s lives with thousands upon thousands of dollars in goods in an effort to seek their meaningless acceptance.

“It’s like, I know they need sneakers, but I had no idea my son needed a new pair ever week.” Continued Sherri. “I mean, the other ones look fine to me, but I guess he would know better than I do. He has to wear them. Whatever makes him happy. His friends call me the ‘cool mom.’ I’ve waited my whole life to be ‘cool’ anything!”

Chairman Bernanke warned parents “Just because your kids want something, doesn’t mean you have to buy it” he said. “If they get mad at you, who cares? They will get over it. Your first priority should be your home and putting food on the table. Not iTunes downloads and expensive hoodies.”

Bernanke continued, “I mean, if I can be blunt here; you’re turning your kids into assholes and we’ve got plenty of assholes in this country.”

The message fell short on Sherri Thomas, though. She has recently moved into a one bedroom apartment with her husband, but her children insisted on staying in her home until it sells claiming they need “the space to hang out with their friends.”

“I’m just happy they have friends” said Sherri. “I never had friends.”

Sherri’s biggest expenses are currently the mortgage for the house she can’t live in, her son’s S.U.V. payment, her daughter’s text message plan and the $40 a month she allows her and her husband to eat. She has applied for government aid to cover her diabetes medication and her husband’s recent back surgery. She has taken weekend job to cover the upcoming expenses of her daughter’s “Super Sweet 16″ party.