Some of the most obnoxious people in the world to me are self-titled “Social Media Experts.” And just to clarify, 100% of them are self-titled. It’s part of this new trend where if you do something a lot on the internet, you can call yourself an expert and get old white people to pay you money to “monetize their social media presence while capitalizing on a sturdy ROI.” Or whatever lingo they use at that time.

I can tell you exactly what a “social media expert” looks like. They are 24-35, usually male, they read Mashable. But “The Oatmeal” shares my EXACT feelings, he just put it cute line-drawings to it. See below.

But the reason for my most recent anger is I just read this job description: Maria Ogneva is the Director of Social Media at ________, a social media engagement and voice-of-customer platform that helps the social enterprise serve and collaborate with the social customer.

Ever. In your life. Have you heard a more bullshit job description? But the trick to it is it uses words that CEOs are told they like right now so they get boners at the sheer thought of it! Watch this trick. I can replace “Social Media” and “Social” with “Cow Slaughtering” and “Livestock” and it will make just as much sense to us, but sound really, really good to a slaughterhouse owner.

Maria Ogneva is the Director of Cow Slaughtering at ________, a cow slaughtering engagement and voice-of-customer platform that helps the livestock enterprise serve and collaborate with the livestock customer.

Did it make any sense? Nope. Did it sound good? Totally.

And yes, do I use “Social Media?” Uh huh. Will I promote this using said “Social Media?” Bingo! That’s not my point. My point is that we need to rid the world of these so-called experts. Just because it’s something new and confusing to business owners and makes you feel smart because you found a link discussing business growth using “Social Media”, shrunk it with TinyURL, made a vague comment, tweeted it and then watched as the lemmings RT’ed it, not an expert make you.

Media experts pinpoint their expertise, grow their business idea with a specific plan and become successful & wealthy. Social Media experts sit on their laptops at Panera, pontificate about how knowledgeable they are, attend “Tweetups,” make $24K a year and their biggest accomplishment is when someone #FF’s them.

Also, before I go. FourSquare is stupid, has no point and is obnoxious. Good day.

THE OATMEAL