Understanding Men: Part 1

With the Super Bowl upon us (oh, sorry, NFL – “The Big Game”) I felt it was time I address something most women cannot understand: The innate male desire for large televisions.

It’s pretty common knowledge that TV sales increase this time of year. Men like to watch sports on as large a surface as humanly possible and if they are lucky enough to have not only the funding for it, but a female companion who allows such a purchase, it can end up being one of the happiest days of the year.

Now, this isn’t because we want Tom Brady’s package to be the size of our arm (although, we do recognize how cool that is). It breaks down a lot further than that. Allow me to explain using the three categories I have devised and you can see which one your man fits into.

The Husband – Just because the title says “husband,” you do not need to be married to fall into this category. These are men who currently live with their girlfriend, fiance or wife. Whether you have been living together for five months or five years, they always remember what it was like before you. They have gone from late nights at strip clubs with their friends to 10pm bedtimes, pink bathrooms and your stuffed animal collection. Their television is their window to a world they once new and the larger they can make that portal, the more in control they feel. Does the man you currently live with have a TV over 60 inches? He doesn’t like you very much. I would suggest counseling.

Single and Loving It – He is, but he’s not. Usually fresh out of college. This guy is very single, but with that comes the complete inability to understand his finances. This guy usually makes $1,500 a month and just spent $3,000 on his entertainment system. His apartment is around 700 sq/feet and for the image on his TV to even be cohesive, he has to sit in his “kitchen.” Kitchen is in quotes, because it’s usually a hot pot sitting on a stack of milk crates next to a beer pong table and one chair.

His universal remote control is probably covered with Goldfish cracker crumbs and a stickiness that only dried Piels can provide. His TV is a replacement for the girl he dated in highschool. His first love. It was 10 years ago, but when no one is around, he still watches “You’ve Got Mail” and cries. Except now it’s in 1080i with HDMI 7.1 surround-sound.

Divorced Dad – This one is a combination of the first two with a few special kicks. He is a single dad with weekend custody of his children. He also has poor handling of his finances (hence his inability to pay child support). This guy probably bought his TV with money he has won somewhere – i.e. scratch off ticket, bingo game, dog fighting, etc. He considered this “free money” at the time, but now that Uncle Sam is knocking on his door, he is trying to figure out how to write it off as a “business expense.” Did I mention he is unemployed?

Unfortunately, he is friends with “Single and Loving it” as well as “The Husband” so their depression feeds off each other. He can’t go to “The Husband’s” house because the woman of the house finds him “untrustworthy and shifty.” He can’t go to SLI’s apartment because SLI’s television takes up 40% of his living space with the other 60% occupied by Wendy’s bags, a futon and various futon accessories. Because of that, he spends most of his time with his television, but tells his children that he’s thinking about moving to Arizona and when he does, “this TV, son, can be all yours.” The kids could only be so lucky. Plus, Dad’s on parole and we all know he can’t cross state lines.

So now you know. As men, our reasons for wanting large televisions goes beyond frivolousness. It’s because we’re sad, sorry humans with deep seeded psychological issues. That wall of light in the back of Best Buy might appear to be just flashing pictures to you, but to us, it is solice. Sweet, glowing, solice.

Happy Super Bowl Sunday.