The Hottest Gifts of 2007!

Here is my list of the Five Hottest Gifts this Christmas. I made this list using a very simple formula: I chose a word at random, typed it into Ebay, sorted the results by price (most expensive on top) and picked whatever was listed first. I then repeated this process five times. Now, I present to you the gifts kids cannot live without this Christmas!

1.) Search Word: “Lowest”
20 KW Wind Turbine Generator

This is a great first example because the only reason this gift came up was because my random word (“Lowest”) was also in the subtitle of this product. It reads “Lowest Price on Ebay!” This may be true with it’s current price of $11,960. You can’t find one of these in the store for less than 15 thousand, but good luck finding one in the store! They’ve been gone since Black Friday so if your kid asked for Guitar Hero III or a 20 KW Wind Turbine Generator, it’s gonna be one sad Christmas.

2.) Search Word: “Party”
Go-Cart and Party Facility For Sale

Shit, I am only on my second search and something legit came up. An entire fucking Go-Kart track is for sale! Damn, this WOULD be a killer gift, but with a selling price of $365,000 it’s something you’re only going to see in the F.A.O. Schwartz catalog. Plus, it’s in Fort Madison, Iowa so you’d have to pack up and move to it. And really, if you have that kind of scratch for Christmas gifts, just stay in New York and build your own track. Also, invite me over when you do. My e-mail is me@thisisjoshua.com

3.) Search Word: “Complete”
Industrial Laundry Room Equipment

If your kids are like I was, getting them to do laundry is always a chore. So why not go one step further and get them the units needed to start their own successful laundromat operation. Make laundry day fun for little Hanna because now all she will have to do is pick up her wash from the short Hispanic woman that she employs to watch the counter. Then little Hanna gets a lesson in money management when she goes from machine to machine, collects the coins and dumps roughly $20 worth on the counter to compensate Carlotta for her 75 hour work week. Woops, looks like Carlotta didn’t keep the restrooms as clean as little Hanna asked! Looks like someone’s working late tonight…

4.) Search Word: “Borrows”
Dress Pant 44×30 Pleated

Just like last year, pleated dress pants are on top of every kid’s wish list. You can never go wrong with a sweet pair of slacks and possibly some sensible shoes. Personally, I would love to meet the kid with a 44 inch waist and a 30 inch inseam. Judging by those measurements, pants are probably the last thing on his mind unless they are of the “sweat” variety. Regardless, even husky boys like to look dapper when they head off to the Warhammer tourney at their local mall.

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5.) Search Word: “Properties”
102 Acres Spectacular Oceanfront Property

It’s always best to save the big gift for last and seeing your child’s face light up after opening this beauty will be the perfect ending to a wonderful Christmas morning. A cool $3.25 million can set your lucky offspring up with a stunning plot of 102 acres of Oceanfront real estate in St. Croix, Virgin Islands. Whether he or she wants to film an epic, big budget sequel to Predator or just relax on it’s hurricane-prone beaches, this is an investment will be totally worthwhile. Hell, maybe you’ll finally have some peace and quiet around here, huh? God damned kids.

So there you have it. The hottest gifts this year!
Hopefully this will help you tie up some of that last minute shopping you have hovering over you.

Happy Holidays!