Open Letters

Working in radio (especially Top 40 radio like I do), you hear a lot of the same songs over and over again. I would like to take time now to address some of these artists directly through a series of open letters:

Dear Sean Kingston,

We get it. She’s beautiful. Why are you wasting your time? If you keep putting yourself in these situations then you’re going to keep getting hurt. Might I suggest dating some ugly girls? I mean, I’ve seen you and you’re not exactly Tyson Beckford. Start dating ladies your own caliber and maybe you’ll find someone who has a little more substance rather than a pretty face.

P.S. If I have to hear your song another 200 times, I too will become suicidal suicidal.

Dear Plain White T’s,

You’re screwed, you know. You’ve fallen into what I call “The Sugar Ray Trap.” Remember when they released “Fly” back in the 90′s and they blew up? Well, the rest of their record was pretty heavy (almost metal-ish) but they were forced to write whimpier songs to appeal to their new audience (i.e. “Every Morning” and “Someday”).

I’ve heard the rest of your record and it’s actually pretty good. “Hey There Delilah” is your “Fly.” Don’t start to feel pressure, though because you still have time. Your fans like your song, but they aren’t obsessed with it yet. It’s probably not being played at many weddings. “Hey There Delilah” could have ended being your “(Shake Shake Shake) Shake Your Booty” and like KC and The Sunshine Band, I would go see you for free every year at the State Fair to hear that one song.

Don’t be KC, PWT’s. Don’t be.

Dear Soulja Boy,

You’re screwed too, but in a different kinda way. It’s only a matter of time before these blissfully ignorant parents finally figure out what “Superman Dat Ho” really means and once they do, expect your radio play to decrease. I will applaud you on the excellent use of a steel drum in a hit song, though. You sir are a modern day Paul Simon and your album “SouljaBoyTellem.com” is a modern day “Graceland.”

Dear Hinder,

Stop. Immedietly.