The New York State Fair has always been something I hate going to, but as a life-long resident of Central New York, not a year of my life has gone by where I don’t go at least once. It’s just what we do here. It’s our annual Disney World. Except, at this one you don’t get a happy, friendly mouse walking around. You have pay $5 to see the “World’s Largest River Rat.”
Every year I go, my emotions follow the same course. The day before, I am ignorantly excited. I seem to always forget how much I truly despise going. That morning, I get up all bright eyed and bushy tailed and drive with a grin on my face to the dusty, over priced parking lots. (Sidenote: Why do these parking lot attendants NEVER seem to check for empty spots up front? I left at 2pm adding to another dozen or so second row parking spots, yet the attendants keep sending people to the back!)
This year, we went before the gates opened in an effort to beat the crowds. Today was Kid Rock day, so anyone showing up after 3pm was bound to have on wife beaters, crustaches and very few teeth. Not a stereotype. Fact. Unfortunately for the Great New York State Fair, this clientele seem to be there no matter what day it is. Which is truly astounding, because the fair isn’t CHEAP. A soda is three bucks. Hot dogs are five. Yet, there they wander. Not a pot to piss in, but plenty of Newports to smoke and empty beer cups stacked inside of each other resting gently in the cup holder of their infant’s stroller.
Another concern I had is that the mentally challenged seem to be allowed to just wander the fairgrounds on their own as they choose. I am all for empowering the disabled. If they are capable of enjoying the fair and taking care of themselves, go for it! But when these fine people are given a fair ticket, a bus pass and a fist full of ones, hasn’t someone seriously dropped the ball there? Although, now that I think about it, it was Kid Rock night…
But going back to where I started. The first few hours, I am happy as a clam. Then it starts to get warmer, more crowded, foul smelling, loud, obnoxious and depressing. That’s when Josh Hulk gets mad and I just want to go home. Usually not a problem except this time, I found myself trapped in the Colosseum during a horse show. You’d think I was trying to escape Shawshank! Every exit blocked. Every door closed. And just when I see an opening of light and what appears to be people walking outside, I am greeted by a chain and a parade of horses waiting to enter the doors. Trapped!
It was at that point, I started to envision myself helplessly darting out in front of a group of these horses as I break for freedom and being trampled to death. And at that very moment, it was a risk I was willing to take.
But finally we got to the car, drove home and showered the stink off us. Now comes fair detox: those few days after the fair where you just try to drink water and apologize to your body for what you did to it. So, if you’ll excuse me, I have a gallon of Pepto to drink.
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