I Want A New Drug

The saddest thing about teenage stoners is that nothing they have ever done is original. Even down to the idea of smoking weed. Their grandparents popularized it and they continue to roll with the same ideals and Cheech & Chong clothing that used to be considered counter-culture.

Last night, I went and saw the film “The Hangover.” Much like the rest of the world, I loved it. I sat in front of a group of three teenage stoners. That’s another feature of their unoriginality — they travel in packs. During the film (like, every 6 or 7 minutes) they would say the phrase “Oh dude, let’s do that.”

Really? You want to “do that?” You want to get punched in the face by Mike Tyson after stealing his tiger? It’s fiction, guys. It’s a comedy film. The whole idea of comedy is exaggeration. I could give you guys $10,000 cash and tell you to go to Vegas and nothing that happened in that movie would happen to you. You’d get there, find a dealer, smoke up, order $8,000 worth of room service and fall asleep.

One of them even started cracking up over a sign on a door that said “Please Enter Here.” He began laughing and even repeated what he was reading as if to emphasize it’s hilarity to his cohorts. They didn’t get it and neither did I. Must be over our heads. Well done, Todd Phillips. Way to slide some hidden cerebral stuff in there for the smarter people in the crowd.

The truth is, I’ve never smoked weed. Have no desire too. I watched plenty of my friends in high school burn out on it and go work in a factory assembling lawn chairs at the age of 18. Not my thing. But I do think it should be legal. I like the idea of it and I think if people can handle themselves with it, more power to you. While I have met a lot of burnouts in my day, I have also met some brilliant casual weed smokers. If we can drink, we can smoke weed.

The point of all this is, teenage stoners are generally stupid people. They are going to be stupid with or without the drugs. These three champions sitting behind me in the theater weren’t on a track to RIT before pot de-railed it. They were born stupid and will go through life stupid. Unfortunately, they think smoking weed makes them some how better than what they are. It’s unoriginal. It’s an old drug. Nothing you are doing is impressive, so maybe take all that free time you had — judging by some of the “ideas” who had when you got to Vegas, you’ve got plenty of it — and invent a new drug.

I’m not talking about going all meth-head and mixing a bunch of shit with bleach. No. Go in the woods for three or four weeks, smoke everything you see growing and bring us back what you find. Doing that kills to birds with one stone: you find the new, hip cool drug and you’re lost in the woods for three weeks and I can try to enjoy a movie.