Dude Fashion Tips

I’m no Tim Gunn, but I know fashion fopas when I see them. When the weather gets nice, guys seems to lose control of themselves and start dressing way beyond their ability. I thought I would take a moment and utilize my vast readership to run down some of the simple things men should never, ever wear.

1.) Flip Flops. Knock it off. Right now. Granted, I sometimes fall victim to this one, but I am here to let the men of the world know that no one. I repeat; NO ONE wants to see your hairy, ape-like feet. They are gross. Your yellowish toenails are barely holding onto your size 14 Yeti paws as is. No one needs to be distracted by them while they ride behind you on an escalator. Not to mention, your heels resemble Wilford Brimley’s elbows. Treat yourself to a Ped Egg and put on some sneakers.

2.) Popped Collars. It’s over, guys. Popped collars had a good run, then they went away, and then they came back. Girls, you still have some time. The preppy, popped collar look on girls is still working, so hang on to it. But guys; nothing screams “Please, accept me. I shop at Hollister” more than a pink Polo shirt with a popped collar. And remember a few years ago when Tommy Hilfiger tried to convince us the new look was MULTIPLE popped collars? We laughed at such a crazy look. Well, now we’re laughing at you. Fold it down.

3.) Tight Jeans. This seems to only be a trend with high school boys. No one wants to see your tiny package hugged like a baby bird in those tight jeans. I know you think chicks are into the look, but ask yourself this. Have those chicks kissed you? No. Because you’re daintier than them. The boys are meant to breathe down there and with your size zero girl jeans, they are screaming for help. Someday you might want to start a family and as of right now, that’s not looking so good. For two reasons — eventually girls will want to be into you, but they’ll have all these pictures of you wearing basically leotards on your skateboard and be turned right off. Second, you’ve got one, lonely, suffocated sperm down there and he’s running out of space. But don’t take it to the other extreme.

4.) Sweatpants in Public. For some reason, dudes love wearing sweatpants in public. It’s usually two kinds of dudes – college dudes, or work out dudes. College dudes wear sweatpants (or, the alternative “pajama pants”) because they are just lazy. It’s usually coupled with a scruffy beard, greasy, messed up hair and a look that’s the visual representation of stale breath.

The other dude that loves wearing sweatpants in pubic are meat heads. Usually dudes that love working out and wear those baggy, gray pants because they have led themselves to believe no piece of denim could contain their bulging thigh muscles. From time to time, you’ll even see them roll down the top because, let’s be honest, these guys are usually a little gay. This is also apparent by their tiny, belly shirts. Not full on, John Leguizamo in “To Wong Fu” kind of belly shirt. But enough to show some skin and a touch of happy trail. You know the guy I’m talking about. He was probably in your public speaking class and loved talking about guns.

So there’s four easy tips to remember. Am I a fashion expert? Holy God, no. I am a “hot mess” as the kids say. But I do know what sucks and the things above fall into said “suck” category. But, if for some reason, you’re unable to make your own fashion decisions and you usually follow the crowd, then I advise you to jump onto the new hot trend before it blows up your school – Beekeepers Outfits. Do it.