Keep The Cake Simple

I’m not sure when or why cake decorating became a spectator sport. I like cake just as much as the next guy, but why am I finding myself sitting for hours watching Food Network or Travel Channel as people compete for the most outrageous, extravagant cakes.

This might be one of the many reasons other countries hate us. You think children in Africa would be happy to see us make a four-foot high “Finding Nemo” cake, have it berated by judges claiming the “scene doesn’t wrap all the way around” and then drop it to the floor as we stupidly try to move it from one table to the other? It was FINE on that first table. Why move it? I understand that it’s to prove it can be transported, but sometimes sculpture is best left alone. No one is insisting we move the Sphinx three feet to give it “better light.”

And really, how appealing are these cakes anyways? I am a Rice Krispie Treat lover through and through. But after watching a burly man with hairy arms and pit stains man handle a ball of marshmallow and Rice Krispies for three hours; it’s suddenly not so appealing to me anymore. It becomes a wad of sticky, warm cereal that I’d rather just not eat. And have you ever tasted Fondant? It’s awful. No flavor and it has the texture of a plastic shopping bag.

So no matter how beautiful this cake is, you have to fish through dowel rods, styrofoam, saw dust and three-day old Fondant to even eat CAKE. Your plate looks like a construction site before you even taste the cake itself. Which was baked about a week ago since that’s how long these things take to create. Yum. Week old cake.

Personally, I’ll stick to a fresh, wham bam thank ya mamn sheet cake from Wegmans with a “Happy Birthday Josh” across the top.