Massive Brains in Squishy Skulls

I was talking with my friend Andy earlier today. These conversations are few and far between lately seeing as him and his wife Chrissy are pretty preoccupied with their new baby: the adorable Caelan (congrats a million times). Andy expressed that his biggest frustration with being a poppa is that he can’t communicate with his baby. They can’t just discuss each other’s needs and wants. He knows his baby is smart enough to say what he needs, but cannot express it. This sparked an interesting philosophical theory that I wanted to open up for discussion. It’s going to seem silly at first, but the more time you think about it, the more plausible it becomes. Tonight as you lie in bed, you will stay awake fighting with this; i guaran-damn-tee it.

What if babies are smarter than us?

You need more detail. I understand that, so here it is: What if that the second we are born, we have all the knowledge we need? We are theoretically in perfect mental and physical harmony. In short; we are brilliant fucking babies and every single thing we learn from that point on isn’t necessarily “learning” but rather “conforming to survive?”

OK, I have lost most of you at this point, but those of you who are still reading (stoners) can you imagine this world? Every second you are alive, you are getting exponentially stupider rather than smarter, but the things you are “learning” make you feel smart. Let’s say you’ve become a Professor of Physics, have written a dozen best selling books about physics and recently discovered an new fact about gravity that blows all your colleagues’ collective minds. That’s great and all, but gravity isn’t even real. We made it up in the first place. yes, there is a force that keeps us stuck to this earth, but all the terms and facts were made up by adults. That baby with a log in his diaper bouncing up and down in one of those things that hang from a door jam could probably bend a fucking spoon with his mind if you people would just trust him with the spoon. Take that, James Randi!

Remember when you were 13 and you swore to God you knew all there was to know? And now that you’re creeping up on 30, you always talk about how stupid you were then or say shit like “if only I knew then what I know now.” NO! You wish you knew now what you knew then! Your mind is slipping away!

My favorite part of this theory is the most unbelievable: One year before your natural death, you are granted complete enlightenment again. Not a year before some tragic, unexpected car accident, but 365 days from your natural expiration when everyone around you thinks you are helpless and insane. You find yourself in the exact same position as when you were an infant; Non-verbal and your mind swollen with intelligence but your smug, best-selling Physicist son puts you in a home and awaits your death. You know the answers to everything and no one cares but you die the same way you came into this world – brilliantly alone.

What’s the point of all this? Honestly, mine and Andy’s personal enjoyment. But more importantly, so I can extend a warning to my readers: Don’t trust babies or old people.