Winter Driving Tips
Dec 22
With much of the northern part of the country being slaughtered by winter weather currently, I felt it was time to extend some winter driving tips to help keep you safe this season.
(Explicit language. 93Q readers, use caution!)
Tip 1: Get Your Head Out of Your Ass. I cannot emphasize this enough. This is absolutely the first step you should take before getting behind the wheel. With the Holidays upon us, most of you have your heads shoved so far up your asses, you cannot seem to operate a motor vehicle properly. Because of that, take 10 seconds to squeeze your bloated head from out between your white, taught ass cheeks.
Tip 2: Understand Physics. Even on the most basic level. You wouldn’t drive your Jetta at 75 miles an hour over a frozen lake would you? It simply doesn’t make sense, right? Well, that’s exactly what you’re doing as you fly by me in the passing lane during an ice storm. Except, on the lake, you would just kill yourself. On the road, you could kill me, my friends and family. This could be totally avoided if you just follow tip one.
Tip 3: Shut Up. Get off your cell phone and watch the God damned road. There is nothing your trampy girlfriend has to say right now that cannot wait 20 minutes. And no, it’s not better if you just text her. Your Lee Press-On nails are not conducive to T9 text. And again; what is more important? Your life and those lives around you or successfully getting out the message “lol nick is so hawt omg lol.”
Tip 4: Exercise Humility. Congratulations. You bought a $40,000 SUV. I am very impressed. I should inform you that the price and size of your vehicle does not grant it special traction abilities in extreme weather. Whereas you may think you can speed past everyone in your H3, your tires are just as wet, on just as much ice and slide just as quickly as my Ford Taurus. My friend AJ drove Hummers in Iraq. He knows how to roll those things back over. I have a funny feeling you don’t.
Tip 5: Go Fuck Yourself. This is one of the most important tips I can give you. If someone is having trouble turning at a stop light or getting traction at a stop sign and you start honking your horn, I urge you to immediately go fuck yourself. Some people have the intelligence to leave their homes early and give themselves extra time on the way to work. Just because you binged out at your local townie bar last night and are 30 minutes late for your shift at the asshole factory, there’s no need to flip my grandmother the bird as she tries to get her morning McGriddle. Fuck yourself long and fuck yourself hard.
So there you have it. Some winter driving tips to help you through this nasty season. Stay safe out there and Happy Holidays!
Ya know, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you recently had a run in with someone who did something violent and dangerous to you or your vehicle while driving in the past 2-6 days.
Sounds like a lot of angst coming out in that rant, but I love it!
They should take your tips and post them online as the front page of news webpages.
I think people would get a nice wake up call!!
We are not penguins and can go belly down on ice and glide! Gosh dumb asses…..Ho ho ho Merry @$/#*\ Christmas!!
=D
Can I add one more thing to your driving tips?
This is in support to those of us in the EMS / FIRE-RESCUE Service. If you pass a vehicle that has either gone off into a ditch, hit a tree or other vehicle, PLEASE stop and check for injuries before you grab you cell phone and call 911. You have no idea how dangerous it is when you have an ambulance, police, fire/rescue vehicles responding to help and nobody needs your help besides a tow truck.
If people want to help by calling 911, STOP ask the people in the vehicle if they are hurt. If so, do your good samaritan thing, CALL. Give good information, type of vehicle, the best locate you can, how many maybe hurt. But, if then there is no injuries and the operator of the vehicle just needs a tow. Call 911 and simply state that, NO INJURIES. . . only need police and a tow. Even if you stop and offer a ride to the people in the car, CALL 911, tell them you are transporting the people from the car to a location so the police and catch up with them. GIVE 911 the plate number of the vehicle, so that when somebody else calls in the vehicle off the road. 911 knows that there is nobody in it and makes it a lower priority to getting help (tow) to.
You have no idea how much of a difference that would make. In the winter time we get busy as it is. We don’t need to be running up and down roads looking for a car, that doesn’t need EMS. And in closing if you go by something that you feel need attention, DON’T go home 20 minutes away and call. In that time the person could die or the tow truck could come and go. . . I hope you get my point. In schools we teach kids to STOP, DROP and ROLL. I think we need a program for adults to STOP, ASK and REPORT
A couple other year round driving tips:
1. STOP at red lights, stop signs and flashing RED lights. These at places you need to STOP and then make certain the way is clear, they are NOT Yield areas. And right on red is only AFTER you STOP.
2. Turn on HEADLIGHTs during reduced visibility. Law requires headlights be on when your wipers are on, and 1/2 hour before sunset and 1/2 hour after sunrise. But, people should turn them on during low light, fog, rain, snow, heavy overcast and any time visibility is reduced. This is so others can see you, not necessarily you see them. It is the HEADLIGHTS that should be on, not the running, parking or fog lights. The Headlights turn on the rear lights so people approaching you from the rear see you. The other lights don’t do this.
Thank you for you time and I hope people see this , or you mention it sometime.
Very funny! Always enjoy reading your blog! Can’t wait for a new one!!