The Hottest Gifts of 2008!

Much like I did last year, I have compiled my list of the Hottest Christmas Gifts this year. I use a very simple, scientific formula: I use a random word generator, enter that word into EBay and pick the most expensive item listed. My logic is that with things like the Nintendo Wii and Tickle Me Elmo grabbing huge bids on there, I am sure there’s many other things we don’t even know about. With only a few weeks left in the shopping season, I present you with the five Hottest Gifts of the year!

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1.) Search Word: “Birthday”
ANIMATED CHARACTER ROBOT PIANO PLAYER

Odds are your child spends a lot of time sleeping. Well, there will be no more of that with this wonderful gift sitting in their room. A robotic, wolf-like creature playing sinister piano tunes 24 hours a day. This Christmas, introduce your child to the sweet taste uncontrollable fear and nightmarish horror while a Chuck-E-Cheese reject peers over their motionless body. Oh, did I mention it’s voice controlled and comes with a wireless microphone? Still on the fence? Check out this creepy video.
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2.) Search Word: “Over”
AIRCRAFT & AVIATION HARDWARE

Unlock the little Howard Hughes in your child with $150,000 worth of aircraft hardware. Over two-million nuts and bolts which will undoubtedly find their way into your heating ducts, couch cusions, sink drains and more while your child attempts and inevitably fails to build and/or repair their own flying machine. At least you tried to stimluate a dream in them, though. Aircraft engineers make good livings. Too bad the closest they’ll ever get it to watch the film Con-Air.
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3.) Search Word: “Tanks”
FROZEN CUSTARD MACHINE

With childhood obesity on the rise, what better to give you child this year than a top of the line frozen custard machine. You thought your kid was fat and lazy before. Ha! You ain’t seen nothing yet. He or she can load up to three flavors, lie directly underneath the nozzle and just suck away the sadness. Better yet, encourage them to start their own business selling treats to their friends after school. What’s that, little Timmy? You didn’t know that you needed a permit for your food cart? Mr. Health Inspector’s not gonna like the looks of this!

4.) Search Word: “Terminology”
DELMARS MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY VIDEO SERIES

If your kids are like most, they love watching episodes of “House.” The real drag, though, is that they can’t follow it as closely as they would like to because of all the random medical terminology. Luckily for them, Delmars offers this fantastic 14 Tape Series of nothing but medical terms. Delivered to you on VHS (something your child doesn’t even know exists) by a monotone lecture speaker. If this doesn’t lead your child to early alcohol abuse, nothing will.
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5.) Search Word: “Spin”
SPIN ACE EXCAVATOR

At the end of the day, someone needs to bury those tree stumps in the yard. Who better than your eight year old? Get them behind this beautiful piece of equiptment and have them on the fast track to owning their own demolition crew some day. By setting them free in the yard with this beauty, you’re teaching them responsibility, hand-eye coordination and the joy of sitting alone all day on a job site while their boss rides their ass via walkie talkie in his cushy, air conditioned office. Just make sure they check for gas lines before they start digging or else they might…

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

P.S. You can listen to me previewing my list of hot gifts on Ted & Amy below!

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