All you do is sit around all day long until I get home and tell you what to do. God forbid you take a little initiative and harvest these crops while I am at WORK. You are not a puppet. You have a mind of your own, so do something around here for Christ sake!

I’m not asking much, just maybe rake up some leaves or collect a little horsehair. And really, how embarrassed am I that whenever someone comes over we have weeds, or crows. Then who looks like the shithead? Me! They all think it’s my farm, but we’re in on this 50/50, buddy. Who did I buy the cottage for? You! Who got a sweet new push lawnmower? You! Not that you would know how to use it.

And for the love of God, did you even notice that we have a cow in the top of our Dairy Farm? How the fuck did it get up there!? You’re walking around this place all day long. You didn’t stop for a second and think “wait a minute, there’s a 1,500 pound cow peaking his head out of a window that is barely big enough for a rabbit.” Who, by the way, are never in their cages!

So now I gotta come home, get out the fork lift and try to shimmy that fat ass out of the top of the Dairy Barn. Really, what a great way to end my day. And you just stood there looking at me like a retarded dog. Not even offering to help.

Last week when I was out of town and all that corn went bad, tell me why you didn’t harvest it in my absence. You have the harvester parked right there. You have a shed full of tools. You saw it turning brown and you didn’t do a God damned thing. Why? Because you’re an asshole.

Should I even mention the fact that now you’re buying Reindeer? What the fuck am I going to do with Reindeer? I’m not Kris Kringle. I have zero God damned interest in Reindeer, but now I have fifteen of them sitting on my property, eating my food and making piles of glorious Yuletide Reindeer shit that I have to shovel up.

And as if I don’t have enough work to do, anytime I am out on the farm, all your buddies keep sending me messages like “Hey, can you come help me out on my farm?” Are. You. Kidding. ME? These freeloaders can get right in line to kiss my ass — right behind you.

I feed you. I clothe you. I pick out your hair style and skin tone and all you do is sit around here all day long looking into the sky at an exact 45 degree angle? I’m sick of it. Either you start pulling your weight around here or I am shipping you off to Farmtown where the rest of the losers are.

I’ve really been trying to give Twitter a fair chance here. Do I understand what it does? No. Do I see it’s purpose? Barely. Do I update several times a day? Absolutely. And I have no idea why. I feel an obligation for some reason, but I also enjoy living inside social media. I can get into a whole dissertation here on the mechanics of social media here and why Twitter flourishes, but that’s for another day.

Luckily for me, I follow almost exclusively educated, smart, funny people. They spell things correctly. Write in sentences. Hardly, if ever wander into “text language” (i.e. “Ur” & “L8r”). For this I am thankful. But I do like to wander into the “Trending Topics” from time to time to make sure I am staying hip to any and everything. This is where idiots shine. Tonight, I read this:

yoo do any one noe wats realy gud wit t-mobile why dey not letting no one text

Did that really just happen?

I won’t even tell you his name because I don’t care to add to his 13 followers, but from what I can deduce, there appears to be a problem with T-Mobile’s service. I only got to this conclusion after reading several other tweets in this same trend. But what Captain Grammar poses here is almost a deeper question about T-Mobile. After spending several hours on Urban Dictionary, I was able to figure out that “wats realy gud” becomes “what’s really good [with T-Mobile].” Now, whereas “what’s really good” is also a greeting in some circles, I’m led to believe this person is working on more of a phylisophical level. What’s really good with T-Mobile?

Wow. Well, what’s really good with any of us? You’re asking, on a deeper level, are we innately good people or rather products of a negative environment? But since we create the environment for which we live, how are we truly products of anything other than ourselves? So on that level, if we create and thus can destroy ourselves and our environments, then it would seem to me that you have answered your own question, sir.

T-Mobile (known as “dey”) aren’t the ones stopping you from texting. You are. T-Mobile is your (our) creation, so they exists only on a single, non-physical plane whereas we (known as “any one”) exist on multiple planes — the physical and the spiritual. So “why dey not letting no one text” isn’t about a mobile phone carrier or a piece of technology. It’s about you. You did this. So turn the mirror around, buddy and ask yourself “what’s really good with ME?”

Damn. I need to lay off the Mescaline.

I think I have figured out the main problem with our economy. Why people aren’t spending money like they used to. It’s because companies keep selling us broken shit. Now, this could totally be just my bad luck, but I have a feeling I am not alone with this frustration.

Over the past several months, my wife and I have been furnishing a baby’s room as some other rooms in the house. In those few months we have purchased a crib that had a hole in the mattress. A book shelf with a crack in the side and an accent table with chips of missing paint. This doesn’t include the $2,500 dining room set we bought last year that needed to be repaired. Disgusting.

Mind you, we don’t buy cheap junk. We go to places like Pottery Barn, Raymour & Flanigan and JC Penny. We spend thousands of dollars with these places and it seems like 8 times out of 10, we get something delivered and it needs to be returned. Why is this happening? Have people completely stopped caring about their products? It’s not like packaging has been cut back; I see more wasteful Styrofoam and packing tape than ever before, yet when UPS or Fed-Ex drops the product at my house, I can usually find a hole punctured in the side or an indented corner.

Yes, I am naming companies. If you don’t maintain quality packaging/shipping with your products, you should be prepared for scrutiny. And yes, they are always fantastic about their return policies, but that’s not the point. When something arrives at my door, I have come to expect several more weeks before I actually OWN it because I know it will need to be returned, repaired, or something else. Rarely do I open a box, look at the item and say “Wow, it’s in 100% working order. Off we go!”

So I am looking to you, big business. You are asking us to spend money with you so your companies can flourish again, yet we’re expected to stand by idly while you continue to deliver sub-par products? Stop cutting corners on manufacturing or packaging or delivery — wherever this weak link is. Because if we’re expected to spend money with you, then you’re expected to meet or exceed or expectations and right now, you fail.

And since I know you come to me for comedy and not angry rants, here’s a video of a cute cat that likes to walk around with a bag on it’s head.

So basically, for the last year we’ve been bombarded by these DTV messages. “This February, your TV will blah blah blah.” It’s a commercial on every break. It’s a scroll on the bottom of the screen during the news. It’s all over the electronics stores. Short, but sweet – it’s been the single most obnoxious campaign I have ever encountered in my life.

Yes. More obnoxious than the Budweiser Frogs.

So we get into February and I am pumped! I am so happy that it’s finally over. We’re making the switch and finally these commercials and scrollers can cease to exist. WRONG. Apparently, we just weren’t ready for it and how it’s been pushed back until June.

So fuck you, DTV people. I have had enough. Just give me the list of people in this country that still have rabbit ears and I will call them personally. It’s what, half a dozen people? Couple hundred at MOST. Give me their names, and I will personally call them once a week and let them know of any new changes – which, of course, there won’t BE any.

That way you can stop pouring money into TV and Web campaigns — which is ironic. You direct people to your website for more information. You really think someone with rabbit ears on top of their old TV has ever even SEEN  a fucking computer? Use that money for something better. Invent “Smell-o-Vision” once and for all so we can really enjoy those cooking shows.

This post is also available at www.WalkUpRadio.com

Patrick and Pepper-Anne,

As we approach your 5-month birthday, there are a few things I would like to address with you. I am using this forum to do so because I recognize that many of my kitty-loving readers may be in similar situations with their felines. This allows them to just point their kitties to my URL where they can open up a dialog with each other about some of these same issues. Let’s begin:

1.) Just because it dangles/hangs, does not make it a toy. My ties, bed sheets, curtains, laptop chords, etc. I think we learned this lesson the hard way yesterday when you came within an inch of having a hot iron fall on you. I know you are too young to understand how irons work, but believe me when I say they are hot. And heavy. And when gravity gets involved – shit, forget about it.

2.) No matter how hard you dig, you cannot get under our bedroom door. All you’re really doing is destroying the carpet, so let me save you some time. Under that carpet is a foam pad (which we’re starting to discover, huh?) and under that pad is wood. You cannot dig through wood. I assure you of this. We will be awake in just 7 or 8 hours, so hang tight and we’ll chill then. Go read a book or something.

3.) Stop stop stop licking my toes when I get out of the shower. For real. This just creeps me out.

4.) Let’s try to sync up our schedules. I completely understand that you are nocturnal animals and I can relate, but we gotta meet in the middle. I don’t see you awake for more than 15 minutes a day but at around 2am, I hear someone run full on into a wall with glass crashing. Are you making meth out there? I’m not going back to jail because of your bullshit.

5.) Electric chords have electricity in them. I know we kinda covered this with rule #1, but I really need to make this clear. Say you do get through a dangley lamp chord, there’s like 100,000 volts in there or something (I’m not a scientist; I am basing all my knowledge of electricity on the fence from Jurassic Park). Perhaps this weekend we need to watch the Christmas Tree scene in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. You’ll see what I mean.

6.) Don’t mate. You are siblings. Next week you will be spayed and neutered. In the mean time, please don’t screw. We do not need any flipper kitties running around here. I know in kitty years, you are like 14 and when I think back to being 14, I would have done it with anyone, thing, post, etc. Luckily for me, the ADHD, acne, braces, glasses over-sized Airwalks and baggy Nirvana shirts kept all girls at 100 yards.

So in closing, we’ve got a long life together and the sooner we can straighten these few things out, the better off everyone is. You gotta admit that Lindsay and I are pretty kickass parents. The food bowls are always full. Litter always clean. We always accommodate your petting needs and at the end of the day, we happily squeeze in some laser pointer fun.

Good talk.

Love,
Josh

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“Cat People” by Schaffer The Darklord
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They say that hindsight is 20/20. Never did I believe this cliche saying more than recently when I heard the song “Summer Girls” by LFO. It was a wildly popular song in 1999, reaching all the way to #3 on the Billboard Charts. I remember it because it had the catchy lines about Chinese food making him sick and stuff, but 1999 was a mega year for me (high school graduation, first year at college), so it kinda got lost in the shuffle. If you don’t remember it, scroll to the bottom of this post and press the play button.

But when I heard it recently, about a million crazy thoughts and questions ran through my head, so I now present to you what will hopefully become a regular feature on this site — Summer Girls: A Lyrical Analyzation:

New Kids on the Block had a bunch of hits
Chinese food makes me sick
And I think its fly when girls stop by for the summer, for the summer
I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch
I’d take her if I had one wish
But she’s been gone since that summer…

First off, really? A bunch of hits? That would constitute five or more hits. I can count three: “Hangin’ Tough’,” “Please Don’t Go Girl” and “Step by Step.” You got more? Don’t you dare count that Christmas Album.

Hip Hop mama layed Spic and Span
Met you one summer and it all began
You’re the best girl that I ever did see
The great Larry Bird jersey 33
When you take a sip you buzz like a hornet
Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets

How did we go from a girl you like, to Larry Bird’s jersey number to William Shakespeare in four lines? I love the whole steam of consciousness thing, but seriously? None of those things are even slightly related. But yes, I will give you credit on this one. He did write a large amount of sonnets, thus constituting “bunch.” Well done.

Call me Willy Whistle cuz I can’t speak baby
Somethin in your eyes went and drove me crazy
Now I can’t forget you and it makes me mad
Left one day and never came back
Stayed all summer the went back home
Macaulay Culkin wasn’t Home Alone

Actually, yes he was.
That was not only the plot of the movie, but also the title.

Fell deep in love, but now we ain’t speakin
Michael J. Fox was Alex P. Keaton
When I met you I said my name was Rich
You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch

(Chorus)

I’m not an expert on love, but I have some tips for you. Mayhaps the reason you are no longer on speaking terms is because A. Your random 80’s sitcom knowledge isn’t going to impress a girl like this. Stay cool. And B.) The first thing you said to this girl is that she looked like someone else. Never a good move. If someone came up to you and said “You look like the guy at Valvoline,” you’d be insulted. Unless, of course, this was recently, in which case, you probably are the guy at Valvoline.

Cherry, Pez, Cold Crush, Rock, Stud, Boogie
Used to hate school, so I had to play hookie
Always been hip to the b-boy style
Known to act wild and make a girl smile
Love New Edition and the Candy Girl
Reminds me of you because you rock my world
You come from Georgia where the peaches grow
They drink lemonade and speak real slow
You love Hip Hop and Rock &Roll
Dad took off when you where 4 years old
There was a good man named Paul Revere

Woah! You were on a pretty good run there for a minute then you had to fuck it up. Paul Revere? Is this the one time in your life that piece of history wiggled it’s way to the front of your brain? Paul Revere? That was obviously a line you wrote to accommodate “hold you’re near” or some shit.

I feel much better baby when you’re near

Yup, see. I knew it.

You love Fun Dip and Cherry Coke
I like the way you laugh when I tell a joke
When I met you I said my name is Rich
You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch

(Chorus)

Again, maybe a “Hello, I am Richard. I like your sarong” or something.

In the summertime girls got it goin on
Shake and wiggle to a Hip Hop song
Summertime girls are the kind I like
I’ll steal your honey like I stole your bike

Dude, what!? No! Don’t ever steal shit from the girl you’re into. Her bike? Come on, man. She needs that bike to get to and from her baby daddy house ever since her license got revoked. Damn DWI’s!

Boogaloo Shrimp and Pogo sticks
My mind takes me back there, oh so quick
Let you off the hook like my man, Mr. Limpit
Think about that summer, and I bug cuz I miss it
Like the color Purple, Macaroni and cheese
Ruby red slippers, and a bunch of trees
Call you up but what’s the use
I like Kevin Bacon, but I hate Foot Loose

I must admit, you’re the first person who has said that sentence in reverse. Usually it’s “I love Footloose, but hate Kevin Bacon.” But then those people see Tremors and they shut the hell up because his performance is breath-take-ing.

Came in the door, I said it before
I think I’m over you, but I’m really not sure
When I met you I said my name is Rich
You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch

(Chorus)

I am really not getting through to you on this introduction thing, am I?

Summer girls come, and summer girls go
Some are worth while, and some are so so
Summer girls come, and summer girls go
Some are worth while, and some are so so
Summertime girls got it goin on
Shake and wiggle to a Hip Hop song
Summertime girls are the kind I like
I’ll steal your honey, like I stole your bike

(Chorus)

And we’re back to petty theft. Well, LFO, you knocked it out of the park on this one. You said a lot of things to this girl(s). Your pop culture references were astute and ability to use them to find new and exciting ryhme schemes for “you are near” and “rock my world” did not go unnoticed. I truly hope this summer goes much better for you so in closing, I say:

Mark Austin was the first Boba Fett
You’re a one-hit wonder we’ll never forget.

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Dear President of Fast Food,

This must stop. It has gotten out of control and it doesn’t make any sense what so ever. What the hell IS it? A burrito with fried chicken? American’s aren’t smart. We eat what you tell us and this needs to be removed from our lives before we die.

I am of course addressing your newest fad- The Snack Wrap.

It’s not a meal, but millions of American’s buy them everyday. The problem is that since they aren’t a meal, we are buying them two or three at a time. That is no longer a snack. And even if we did buy one, why do we even need this mid-day snack? Stop forcing new meals on us. It goes Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner. The end!

And while we’re on the subject, can you please notify Taco Bell that we don’t need “The Fourth Meal.” We’re already fat. Let us sleep, please.

Oh, and as long as you are talking to them, tell them we do not need bacon on our tacos. The Bacon Ranch Double Decker? With all due respect, Taco Bell — go fuck yourselves.

So Mr. President, I thank you for your time in this matter and recognize all the positive changes you have made for us in the past (i.e. the hesitant destruction of the Mc Rib sandwich and the merging of A&W with KFC in town’s across this great nation).

You exist to make us fatter and lazier and I respect your line of work. Just please take another moment to review the Snackwrap, Snacker, Snack-Attack or whatever other play on the word “Snack” participating restaurants have come up with. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Joshua Grosvent

P.S. With that said, we do demand the prompt return of the Shamrock shake. I do apologize for my threatening letters regarding this and I will not violate your restraining order in any way, but I am very passionate about it and refuse to accept this whorish Shrek imitation shake. It’s NOT the same and I won’t drink it.

Dear Winter,

We have reviewed your application and after much deliberation, we have decided to go in another direction. Your samples these last few months have been impressive, and we loved your work last year — i.e. Valentine’s Day Storm of 2007. For now, though, we have decided to focus more on Spring time and the warmer, sunnier weather it brings.

We do thank you for your interest in the position and will keep your resume on file for any openings we have in the future.

Thanks you again and best of luck on your search.

Kindest Regards,
The Residents of Central New York

Working in radio (especially Top 40 radio like I do), you hear a lot of the same songs over and over again. I would like to take time now to address some of these artists directly through a series of open letters:

Dear Sean Kingston,

We get it. She’s beautiful. Why are you wasting your time? If you keep putting yourself in these situations then you’re going to keep getting hurt. Might I suggest dating some ugly girls? I mean, I’ve seen you and you’re not exactly Tyson Beckford. Start dating ladies your own caliber and maybe you’ll find someone who has a little more substance rather than a pretty face.

P.S. If I have to hear your song another 200 times, I too will become suicidal suicidal.

Dear Plain White T’s,

You’re screwed, you know. You’ve fallen into what I call “The Sugar Ray Trap.” Remember when they released “Fly” back in the 90’s and they blew up? Well, the rest of their record was pretty heavy (almost metal-ish) but they were forced to write whimpier songs to appeal to their new audience (i.e. “Every Morning” and “Someday”).

I’ve heard the rest of your record and it’s actually pretty good. “Hey There Delilah” is your “Fly.” Don’t start to feel pressure, though because you still have time. Your fans like your song, but they aren’t obsessed with it yet. It’s probably not being played at many weddings. “Hey There Delilah” could have ended being your “(Shake Shake Shake) Shake Your Booty” and like KC and The Sunshine Band, I would go see you for free every year at the State Fair to hear that one song.

Don’t be KC, PWT’s. Don’t be.

Dear Soulja Boy,

You’re screwed too, but in a different kinda way. It’s only a matter of time before these blissfully ignorant parents finally figure out what “Superman Dat Ho” really means and once they do, expect your radio play to decrease. I will applaud you on the excellent use of a steel drum in a hit song, though. You sir are a modern day Paul Simon and your album “SouljaBoyTellem.com” is a modern day “Graceland.”

Dear Hinder,

Stop. Immedietly.

So when you’re at the gas pump, there is no reason to lock all your doors and set the alarm as you go inside to pre-pay, Poindexter. Nobody cares about your car. Unless a thief is jonesing for some Carrie Underwood CD’s and your flame-pattern seat covers, I am pretty sure you’re safe. Is it because you pulled up behind me? Yes, I have more tattoos than the average librarian and am usually cursing, but that doesn’t mean I am out to harm you. It certainly doesn’t mean I plan on jacking your car.

And let’s say I did.

What next? I drive off in your two-door, ultra-compact Ford Festiva and leave my car just sitting there? I am only one person. I can’t steal your car and drive mine home at the same time. At the very most, it’d be a vehicle exchange because when I fill up, I leave my keys in the ignition and the doors unlocked. Not to mention, you’d be getting a car with a full tank of gas and I’d be peeling out of the Valero in fourteen hundred pounds of rubber, steel and paint with just fumes in the tank. How do I know it’s just fumes? Because you own an Aveo – money is suspiciously tight.

Listen, all I am saying is nobody cares about your car. Leave the doors unlocked with keys in it, hell, put some cash on the seat because in the worst case scenario, you tell your insurance company your car was stolen and get all $800 back.

The Chevy Aveo sucks.
This open letter was brought to you by Volkswagen.