I’ve never been one to watch the Olympics, but this year I have fallen in love with the sport known as “curling.” It’s almost a re-love because in college we were very close to the Canadian border and would get a lot of their TV stations. Because of that, I originally discovered my love for curling there, but for some reason, these latest Olympics have sparked a fire inside me and the only way to put it out is with the ice for which this sport is played upon.

Let it be known, I really have no idea what is happening when I watch these events. But this hasn’t stopped me from watching it for a total of 10 hours over the past two days. I know there’s a “stone” and a “house.” You have to get the stone into said house, and much like shuffleboard, closest stones are points. But for some reason, there’s also a clock involved. People are calling timeouts. All that is beyond me. But with that said, I am confident I could bring together just a few of my friends and have a competitive curling team. I am sure these people are amazing athletes, but I am pretty sure I can do this too. I can’t hit a baseball. I can barely shoot a basketball anymore. But I truly believe I could curl with the best of them.

One of my other favorite aspects of televised curling; the announcers are total dicks! They don’t say things like “oh, that was close.” They will say things like “oh, wow, terrible shot. That was a disgusting shot by Denmark.” It’s like, really? Was it? Because from here, it looks like it made it down the ice and is in one of those circles. But you are telling me that if it were three inches to the left, that would be a far superior shot? Your fat ass isn’t even advanced enough to play curling. You are analyzing curling. Your life is a sad, empty shell of misery where you sit in your ivory tower telling viewers at home exactly how you would have thrown the stone. Well, you didn’t. So shut your hole.

Oh, maybe that’s my angle? I could be the John McEnroe of curling. Start fights with commentators and officials. I’ll be the bad boy of curling. This could be my chance to make a name for myself in the small, desolate world of curling. Hm.. I’m in!